idfk

So I told teddy what happened. I felt like I could trust him, and that he needed to know what he did to me. I thought he'd want to talk to me about it, or care about me. I am just an idiot. Instead, he told me I was a ridiculous human being. And that I am useless in his life. And that if I ever did it again, everything would end. Clearly, that made me feel a shit load worse. Thanks asshole. I haven't talked to him since and surprisingly am doing really well. It just sucks. I miss people from camp. Long lake and explo. They are SO much better than these fucking people at home.

oh hey

It's been forever since I blogged on here. I guess i've just been busy and stuff. I got back from europe on saturday which was pretty fun actaully. I also made a tumblr blog which is more for anyone who really wants to read it. I don't say all this personal stuff on there. So here it goes. The secret stuff. Sunday was a slap in the face for me. I was basically told by three of my closest friends that Teddy had been asking other people to hu while I was away. I mean we're not dating, so technically he could do whatever he wants, but he asked MY BEST FRIEND and my biggest enemy. WTF. He doesn't even realize how much that hurt me. And I wish I could say I didn't, but i resorted to my razor. I don't even know anymore. I felt as if I got over that months ago, but still, every so often I always find my way back to sitting on my bathroom floor crying. And it sucks when I think about it now. But in the moment, I feel free. It sounds so stupid, but I feel like everything wrong in my life is just releasing from my body. I couldn't help but think that teddy wanted to get with other girls, because i wasn't good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough. That I was just a complete back-up fail. I can't tell anyone this time around. Everyone thought I was over it, but I guess this is a secret between me and whoever may be reading this right now.

sleeping and dying

As stupid as it is, I can't sleep. Last night there was a fight and stabbed bodies and all that jazz. I'm scared shitless now. I'm having horrible dreams every 5 minutes and I'm thinking up things that could happen to me. Its so ridicoulus. I really miss the people at home right now. New haven is wayyy sketchier than good old home. Where do people go when they die? What does it really feel like? Are you still living? I wish I could just know these things. To find them out, but still be able to come back to earth. I ask myself this stuff everyday. I'm extremely curious.