idfk

So I told teddy what happened. I felt like I could trust him, and that he needed to know what he did to me. I thought he'd want to talk to me about it, or care about me. I am just an idiot. Instead, he told me I was a ridiculous human being. And that I am useless in his life. And that if I ever did it again, everything would end. Clearly, that made me feel a shit load worse. Thanks asshole. I haven't talked to him since and surprisingly am doing really well. It just sucks. I miss people from camp. Long lake and explo. They are SO much better than these fucking people at home.

oh hey

It's been forever since I blogged on here. I guess i've just been busy and stuff. I got back from europe on saturday which was pretty fun actaully. I also made a tumblr blog which is more for anyone who really wants to read it. I don't say all this personal stuff on there. So here it goes. The secret stuff. Sunday was a slap in the face for me. I was basically told by three of my closest friends that Teddy had been asking other people to hu while I was away. I mean we're not dating, so technically he could do whatever he wants, but he asked MY BEST FRIEND and my biggest enemy. WTF. He doesn't even realize how much that hurt me. And I wish I could say I didn't, but i resorted to my razor. I don't even know anymore. I felt as if I got over that months ago, but still, every so often I always find my way back to sitting on my bathroom floor crying. And it sucks when I think about it now. But in the moment, I feel free. It sounds so stupid, but I feel like everything wrong in my life is just releasing from my body. I couldn't help but think that teddy wanted to get with other girls, because i wasn't good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough. That I was just a complete back-up fail. I can't tell anyone this time around. Everyone thought I was over it, but I guess this is a secret between me and whoever may be reading this right now.

sleeping and dying

As stupid as it is, I can't sleep. Last night there was a fight and stabbed bodies and all that jazz. I'm scared shitless now. I'm having horrible dreams every 5 minutes and I'm thinking up things that could happen to me. Its so ridicoulus. I really miss the people at home right now. New haven is wayyy sketchier than good old home. Where do people go when they die? What does it really feel like? Are you still living? I wish I could just know these things. To find them out, but still be able to come back to earth. I ask myself this stuff everyday. I'm extremely curious.

happy thoughts

The Teddy situation has gotten a lot better. In fact, it feels like that fight never happen which is amazing. He has been really busy lately and I totally understand. Yale as gone by so quick. We basically have 6 days left. I just got a really cool music note tattoo on my back. My bff Sam is texting me abut how bad Alexei is in Cabaret. I find it very amusing. I'm going to try and blog everday. I love it. Thank God for Tori.

Life everyday as if it were your last- emma :]

sadness

Depression sucks. I've been so upset the past couple of days and I'm not home so there's really no one to go to. I'm so confused lately and things haven't really been working out. I'm just sad so many times a day. I feel like I need to talk to someone but I'm not sure who to go to which sucks the most. Teddy has just been pissing me off lately. Everything is about him. I thought after he apologized to me, that he would be fine. But its the opposite. He never talks to me. Yesterday I texted him 3 times and he didn't answer any of them. He called me at like 7:30 to ask if my brother knew about us. WTF. Like, oh hi how's ur day going? And then he proceeded to ignore my texts for the rest of the night. I even stayed up waiting for him to call and say goodnight. He never did. He's really been hurting me and he doesn't even realize it. I don't know what to do. Here I have no intention to hurt myself but at the same time, I feel like I have to. I can't deal with some things anymore. Anyway, I'm on the bus going back to campus. Lacrosse was so boring. I'm hungry. -emmacatherineee

So today was half bad and half good. Mostly bad though. I just had really good pizza. Okay so anyway, this morning I was feeling a little upset and said some mean things to teddy out of anger. He proceeded to call me about 10 times and I couldn't answer because of class. Apparently teddy had asked my friend jojo to talk to me for him. I spilt my life out to jojo and then went and called teddy. After a pretty good conversation, I decided to lie and say I hu with someone here. That clearly never happened. I could tell he was really annoyed and I kept apologizing. After a little, I told him I was just kidding thinking he would be totally fine with it. It happened to be the complete opposite. He flipped out on me and it was horrible. I made him so upset and I was borderline crying. I felt like shit for the rest of the night. I still do. He hasn't texted me and I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much. I haven't had these feelings for anyone since chris 2 years ago. He really is so amazing and I feel likt shit for making him go through this. Whatever, I'm giving him two days and then I'll talk to him. I might leave him a voicemail about how sorry I am. Anyway, we saw a magic show tonight and it was really good. I couldn't stop thinking about teddy though which kind of sucked. I'm going to try and sleep soon but for now, enjoy life and don't say anything stupid- emmacatherineeee :)

I can't even fucking believe this shit. Alexei fucking candreva now has the lead my dads show because someone got sick. Of course this would fucking happen. It pisses me the fuck off that such a bitch could get this part. Asshole girl. It doesn't even matter because I'm not there. I'm here at yale enjoying myself. And whatever the fucking happens in new york can stay there because I don't care. I love this girl tori sitting next to me. She told me to start blogging and it works soo well. Were eatting oreos and peanut butter and they are yummmyyy. So yeah, I don't care about alexei cause she's probably gunna fuck up anyway. Yayyyy. Oh and I am still a vegetariannnnn :) loving life right nowww- emmacatherine

explo

Right now, I'm on the bus coming back from the city. I just saw the show Memphis which was incredible. This bus is so bumpy I'm going to throw up. Anyway, I'm being housed at yale university for the explo program. I'm taking sign language, musical theater and yoga classes. I love it so much. I'm siting next to my best friend Emily from bermuda. She's sleeping and it's really funny. Oh and as of today, I am drama free, meat free and hate free.
Smileeee-emmacatherine:]